Written by Maria Palumbo
I get it.
Mom had you be her confidant
Now it gets confusing.
What is family, what does family look like?
What ARE boundaries?
What does it mean to have boundaries?
Who should I have s*x with, be naked with? Open my soul to?
Who is worthy of me, who deserves me? How much do they get to have of me?
You may want to put everything inside of you that moves. It doesn’t matter. Having little authority over your body, mind, heart growing up, it can be hard to find authority over yourself now.
Everything floods into everything. It’s hard to tell who is:
S*x permeates EVERYTHING. Inappropriate boundaries feels NORMAL, healthy, even s*xy.
Siblings being attracted to siblings. Not sure of how to handle the attraction, therefore acting out at each other for attention.
Who deserves your allegiance? Who does not?
When all lines were crossed.
Father looked at you and your needs/feelings/body/health of your own, no longer existed.
He made you his:
angel (the rare times you impressed him.)
Shouting in your face. Making mom seem like a welcome escape.
His love was terrifying.
Therefore you wonder: If I am terrified, then am I in love? If I am lost in a confusing web of unclear needs, is that love?
If the walls keep changing, is that love?
It feels like love.
In woman on fire we begin to separate you from everyone else. Untangle you string by string.
The ropes on your feet, around your hands, the ropes around your mouth, keeping you lost. You begin to shake free slowly, gently, from what they told you love was.
Maybe it means f*cking everything that moves, until you are sickened and so alone that you do not know what to with yourself. We will walk with you back home to you.
Maybe it means celibacy. Walking away from everything for a bit so you can feel the pulsating of your heart underneath your pu$$y. So you can feel how truly deeply they are linked. We will listen as you trust who you are again. What you really want.
Maybe it means somewhere in between. Letting in slowly your true desire. And being able to breathe deeply as the lights go on.
When you can see it all for what it truly is, you no longer live in the darkness of confusion.
I love you and I love this. Us. Together. Getting free.