Written by Maria Palumbo
When teenagers were enjoying their lust and doing it like bunnies, I was in the midst of some serious s*xual and religious trauma.
My s*x was repressed controlled and bastardized, where it felt safe.
So when I found myself in polyamory as an adult, WOO I felt like a child in a candy store.
All of the thoughts, feelings, desires, that I had politely put on the shelf and tried to cover with food,
Out it all came. Raging.
I would no longer eat away my s*x. I would no longer tell myself that I could not have it.
I would have it all.
I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I thought conscious sexuality meant I could exchange my body and chemistry and heart with anyone, if it felt good.
What I was afraid of, was really leaning into someone.
I was afraid of truly trusting and letting someone in. Someone that had just as much space emotionally that I had for them. Someone that was not poly-sexual (like I was acting), but truly polyamorous. Someone that didn’t use my body to feel better.
I was afraid of what it might mean to feel deeply in my s*x AND in my heart. Because my trauma told me that was not safe.
It was not safe to be deeply met. Deeply adored. Deeply loved.
My trauma taught me that I would be hurt, over and over, and to only expect disappointment. Especially by the ones I adored.
It is no surprise that when I began my dive into polyamory, old wounds and shame came to the surface. The “not being able to have it all” and having to choose. The thinking that drama was all I was worthy of. The unrequited romance, thinking it was love, and not just old trauma playing itself out again.
I approached polyamory with my husband with the attitude of “I do things and my partner supports me.” Now I take action in polyamory, when my partner feels supported.
I do not shame myself for being insatiable. In fact, it is a part of me that makes me quite powerful and life-changing in my s*x and love. I just realize that having an endless appetite, and trying to quell it by always adding new energy into my system, my family, and my body, was creating a lack of intimacy, where I deep down wanted to build it.
I started polyamory with the intention of building family and community. Attracted to many who might say the right words at the right time, though I knew, deep down, were not capable of the availability I was craving.
So I settled for intrigue, drama, lust, fun, chemistry, endless days in bed, and also some very loving and intimate moments, while my heart was more and more afraid that she would never really get the fullness of what she wanted.
Now I have slowed down a bit. I have stopped seeking sxual fulfillment, before I can trust the other person fully. I stopped trying to impress, heal, and create love through my sx, and instead allow love to grow, before I give of my s*x. Not because of some weird moral code, or rules about attraction and building chemistry, but because I deserve to be fully seen and devoured. And I get to feel what it feels like to know that the person devouring me gets what they have when they have me.
I share this for those of you who like me, have talked yourself down from your truest healthiest desires, afraid of what it feels like to really want something that not many can provide. I share this so you begin to feel into whether or not you feel truly fed on all levels: mentally, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. And I challenge you to consider the preciousness of your being. That cannot be changed by time, no matter who did not love you right, or who left you.
The preciousness of who you are that is unshakable.
Your worth is not defined by the ones who could not be there for you.
It is defined by the choices you decide to make now. The small ways you fall in love with yourself, when you are in love or alone.
You deserve tenderness.
And endless days in bed.
And endless days in the world, enjoying doing life with someone.
No longer stuck in the cycle of trauma, but finding those that want to heal alongside of you.
To your freedom, in s*x and love. Always.