Love

All posts tagged Love

I WAS LIVING OUT MY SUPPRESSED SEXUAL ADOLESCENCE IN POLYAMORY

Published November 14, 2019 by tindertender

Written by Maria Palumbo

https://mariapalumbo.com/

https://www.facebook.com/maria.palumbo.loves

When teenagers were enjoying their lust and doing it like bunnies, I was in the midst of some serious s*xual and religious trauma.

My s*x was repressed controlled and bastardized, where it felt safe.

So when I found myself in polyamory as an adult, WOO I felt like a child in a candy store.

All of the thoughts, feelings, desires, that I had politely put on the shelf and tried to cover with food,

being perfect,

an overacheiver,

being spiritual,

smart,

good,

Out it all came. Raging.

I would no longer eat away my s*x. I would no longer tell myself that I could not have it.

I would have it all.

I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I thought conscious sexuality meant I could exchange my body and chemistry and heart with anyone, if it felt good.

What I was afraid of, was really leaning into someone.

I was afraid of truly trusting and letting someone in. Someone that had just as much space emotionally that I had for them. Someone that was not poly-sexual (like I was acting), but truly polyamorous. Someone that didn’t use my body to feel better.

I was afraid of what it might mean to feel deeply in my s*x AND in my heart. Because my trauma told me that was not safe.

It was not safe to be deeply met. Deeply adored. Deeply loved.

My trauma taught me that I would be hurt, over and over, and to only expect disappointment. Especially by the ones I adored.

It is no surprise that when I began my dive into polyamory, old wounds and shame came to the surface. The “not being able to have it all” and having to choose. The thinking that drama was all I was worthy of. The unrequited romance, thinking it was love, and not just old trauma playing itself out again.

I approached polyamory with my husband with the attitude of “I do things and my partner supports me.” Now I take action in polyamory, when my partner feels supported.

I do not shame myself for being insatiable. In fact, it is a part of me that makes me quite powerful and life-changing in my s*x and love. I just realize that having an endless appetite, and trying to quell it by always adding new energy into my system, my family, and my body, was creating a lack of intimacy, where I deep down wanted to build it.

I started polyamory with the intention of building family and community. Attracted to many who might say the right words at the right time, though I knew, deep down, were not capable of the availability I was craving.

So I settled for intrigue, drama, lust, fun, chemistry, endless days in bed, and also some very loving and intimate moments, while my heart was more and more afraid that she would never really get the fullness of what she wanted.

Now I have slowed down a bit. I have stopped seeking sxual fulfillment, before I can trust the other person fully. I stopped trying to impress, heal, and create love through my sx, and instead allow love to grow, before I give of my s*x. Not because of some weird moral code, or rules about attraction and building chemistry, but because I deserve to be fully seen and devoured. And I get to feel what it feels like to know that the person devouring me gets what they have when they have me.

I share this for those of you who like me, have talked yourself down from your truest healthiest desires, afraid of what it feels like to really want something that not many can provide. I share this so you begin to feel into whether or not you feel truly fed on all levels: mentally, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. And I challenge you to consider the preciousness of your being. That cannot be changed by time, no matter who did not love you right, or who left you.

The preciousness of who you are that is unshakable.

Your worth is not defined by the ones who could not be there for you.

It is defined by the choices you decide to make now. The small ways you fall in love with yourself, when you are in love or alone.

You deserve tenderness.
And endless days in bed.
And endless days in the world, enjoying doing life with someone.

No longer stuck in the cycle of trauma, but finding those that want to heal alongside of you.

To your freedom, in s*x and love. Always.

Woman’s Holy Roar!

Published November 12, 2019 by tindertender

Written by Maria Palumbo

https://mariapalumbo.com/

https://www.facebook.com/maria.palumbo.loves

Mother Mary came to me

Said my wretchedness is holy

Said the way I bleed and hunger and cry

I create a storm in an otherwise boring sky

And she tells me to stay this way.

Do not succumb to the pressure to be barely seen, heard, to speak so gentle the tiniest bird might out sing you.

Roar.

In the supermarket.

Roar in the street.

Roar with every step I take.

For my love is brave, she says. I should be proud of what I can do with a heart. While she chose God. And that was an easy choice. But I have decided to fall in love with mankind. Now that is something.

To be brought to my knees and commit the most humbling acts of sheer love. Without knowing how it will land, where it will go. Putting the world deep inside me, and when I let it go, she is more alive than she was without me.

Mother Mary says desire in and of itself is holy.

That my innocence will never die. And they will only see in my who they truly are. So love deep and wide, but do not get caught up in it. Love pure and long, but never erase yourself for it.

Choice ~ A Real Zinger

Published November 11, 2019 by tindertender

Turn it up, or turn it off?

It’s all choice, right?

Do we walk into our fear, or do we hide from it?

Do we assist, knowing there are those who will do their best to stop us, or do we open our hearts and do so anyway?

If they tell you they won’t cause harm should you stuff your power, can they really be trusted?

The enemy can never be trusted.

We’ve got to face the facts …

It comes down to control.

Love: IS / IS NOT …

Published November 8, 2019 by tindertender

Written by Maria Palumbo, https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901216

Love is not:

A series of small kind acts

Sharing meals

Sharing orgasms

Sharing time

Edging

Business building

Spiritual

Sexy

Sexless

Gift giving

Involving crystals

Domination

Submission

Self sacrifice

Polite warmth and conversation

Marriage

Praying together

Dating

Friendship

Similar beliefs

Alienating others

Serious

Special

Wealthy

Keeping a strong face

Ritual sharing

Vacationing together

Nice

Staying together

Living together

Feeling good

Lovership

Monogamy

Polyamory

Chemistry

Workability

Teaching

Touch

Lavish romantic gestures.

Love is:

Being able to sit alone in the dark with another human. Know there is nothing you can do to fix a thing and instead just stay.

It is witnessing all of the things that come up when you cannot change your love’s reality. And instead of quelling your pain over their pain with being “helpful,” simply breathing with them instead.

Love is wanting to be as close as you can be to every inch of them, because you cannot help but desire everything they are.

Love is being able to have fun in any situation. Like get-you-kicked-out-for-enjoying-life-way-too-much-fun.

Love wants you sober. Not the life of the party. Love wants to look at you and trust you will be really there looking back.

Love doesn’t care too much about your job. Or your mantra. Or your guru. Or your hair. Love is not impressed by the things we are told to impress people with. Love just wants you naked and free from all those things.

Love is feeling them even when they are not there. It is remembering them regardless if they can remember themselves.

Love is showing up, even if you are not asked to.

Love is having an authentic response without cruelty and also no longer cushioning the truth.

Love is forgetting who you are and remembering it, all at once. The stuff that could hold you back about your past, can’t work here anymore. It is both terrifying to feel the shift in your identity and also liberating.

Love is noticing where you both are lying. And calling eachother out.

It means the illusions of brokenness are shattered. Love expects you powerful. And treats you so.

Love knows you are not perfect. Love wants you especially when you are raw and undone.

Love is a series of seeing the other. The shadow and the light. It is tenderness and truth with these parts, at the right time.

Love is wanting to know where they came from, how they got here, where they are going. Interested in the person behind each trigger or moment of peace.

Love is endlessly curious. Never satiated with the knowledge of what makes someone tic.

Love is being able to laugh hard. Truly finding the absurd humor in most things— for the weight of love is light.

Love takes hundred percent responsibility for causing hurt, without becoming a martyr. In love each issue is resolved with all taking full ownership of hurts or confusion.

Love is feeling completely unprepared by the depth of what is shared. Feeling like a child. Acting like one sometimes. And proceeding forward anyway.

Love will show up when all else have abandoned you. They will not know what to do only that they love you.

Love is risking reputation, importance, and even the relationship itself, to fully adore the human in front of you and the being of your own soul.

Love is freaking out. Or staying calm. And loving just the same.

Love wants what is truly the most powerful mind blowing heart connecting relationship for you. Regardless if it involves them or not.

Love is saying the thing others won’t say. It is speaking up and creating relationship through each word shared.

Love doesn’t die or go away. No matter how much weight they gain or lose, how moody they are, how healthy or unhealthy. Somehow the flame of love keeps burning bright through every storm.

True love is a secret to all except children, the old and dying, and the mystics. The wise never truly know how deep their love can go, and spend their lives finding out.

Elder’s Meditation 10-14-19 (1)

Published October 14, 2019 by tindertender

“So unbelievable things like that happen. But you have to believe it first. Not wait until you see it first, then touch it, then believe it… You have to say it from the heart.”

— Wallace Black Elk, LAKOTA

The power of our belief system is incredible. The power of faith is a very natural power. How do we have faith? Inside of our minds we form a mental picture with our self talk. Self talk is recorded in our minds in three dimensions – words that trigger a picture, which has a feeling or an emotion attached to it. Once we get the words and the picture, it is the emotion that makes the idea turn into a belief. You get the right emotion by saying things from the heart. The heart is the source of emotions which can cause unbelievable things to happen.

Great Spirit, with You everything is possible.

https://whitebison.org/EldersMeditationApps.aspx

Make sure the story spinning in your head is the story written by YOU and CREATOR … no one else.

Work To Do

Published October 14, 2019 by tindertender

Honor them, love them, help them, heal them, but above all else, free them.

Everyone, of course (even you).

~ The Universe

https://www.tut.com/

When the enemy senses you getting close to freedom, someone will be sent to Soul Punch you, to strip you of your song, to crush your spirit. They may even tell you it’s your fault, that you somehow deserve it. They may try to convince you to become that which you once were, or resembled … the only ‘you’ they know of … which is born from their personal perception, not reality.

I know it is difficult not to take it personally. I know how hard it is to continue moving forward when bearing such damages, fresh wounds, presented by the hater.

For healths sake, let it go. Cut it off, and never visit it again. This vileness is not worthy of your council.

The only way to move through this is to forgive, forget, and move on.

If they refuse to see you, as you are, then nothing you say will convince them otherwise. Let them have their reality, you keep rising, shining, and loving the new you, the you that you create in every moment of every day.

Give them their freedom. Freedom from ever being exposed to that which they proclaim to hate.

The hate is theirs, and theirs alone to bear. Don’t you dare carry that!

https://m.phys.org/news/2019-10-unique-sticky-particles-harnessing-chaos.html

I can attest to this fact about negative energy and psychic attacks having sticky feet, and often leave a sticky trail wherever it goes in the body and mind. Overcoming these attacks is no small win, for to disconnect this tar like substance from our body, heart, mind and energetic form is a critical and crucial battle. Often, this is the cause for addiction, because people are not taught, nor do they have a good support system in place to battle such attacks. Don’t let those who broke it, fix it.

I am grateful for my connected friends. Thank you for supporting me as I walk through this storm. I love you.

Family, Not Always By Blood

Published October 10, 2019 by tindertender

In my mind, in my memory, both recent and far …

I’m not everything you’d hoped for, I’m not everything I dreamed I’d be … my balance stems from this existence.

May any damages born be nullified, may all rough edges be smoothed and memory of pain be eliminated, replaced with calm, subdued.

Some are stuck in pain from the past, still playing the ‘blame game’, and instilling it in ‘close family circle’. Perceptions of one = poison of others, and the cycle goes on and on.

Things stated are not really heard, but things stated, colored by the triggers and emotions it stirs up, are used to weave a new story, a story of continued blame and pain. Four fold, against One.

Let them play the hero, let them claim the high road.

All I ask is, who brought what into your world? Who brought joy, and who brought poison.

Who works to build trust, and who is working to tear that same work down.

Who believes your legacy is their daughters legacy? Who initiated the conversation at all?

You will be told it was me.

Look at the history you know of me, and go from there.

All I’ve ever wanted was a bit of your time.

Please don’t swallow the poison.

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