All posts tagged Shadow

Shadow Work

Published April 23, 2021 by tindertender

When you were little, were you afraid of the dark? Most of us were.

And I doubt we ever thought to question this fear. We were almost naturally taught to be afraid of the dark, because the dark is full of unknown things that might hurt us.

But what usually happened when you turned the light on? You learned the unknown things were not so scary. And they were not so unknown. They were just part of the environment.

We learned to associate darkness with scary and unknown, and we learned it’s better not to speak with our dark thoughts and emotions.

Turning the light on our emotional shadow is a lot more challenging than flicking a physical light switch on. So we avoid it. Superficiality is easier. But this darkness of our soul has a life of its own which thrives, whether or not we choose to acknowledge it.

It’s there, and it’s powerful.

Understanding Darkness

This fear of our emotional complexity grew as we grew, and with time became our shadow.

It’s a hidden part in us that influences our choices more often than we are aware.

In truth, much effort goes into repressing and hiding it from ourselves and others. It’s our dark side. The parts we are ashamed and afraid to show. But through denial, we fail to see that in the obscurity of darkness also lay our strengths.

For reasons originating in the past, we have decided to negate and hide this dark side without exploring it further. And so in return it keeps us distant from truly expressing ourselves.

In many ways, hiding our shadow can be considered the highest form of betrayal.

By concealing this part of us, we are saying we don’t deserve to show our complete selves, thereby betraying ourselves. In return, secrecy, manipulation, and pretending take over large parts of our lives from fear of being ‘exposed’ and rejected for the part of ourselves we are hiding.

As mentioned, our shadow can show itself as weakness or strength. Becoming aware of our complete self allows us an opportunity for expressing strength. Ignoring these qualities, however, will always produce a damaging result.

The more we repress these dark corners of our being, the more we face disorder in our personality.

This can manifest as,



intentionally failed relationships or jobs,

…or other behaviors that cause destruction to ourselves and others.

To become aware of our shadow is to shed light on our earliest wounds and to give ourselves a chance for healing and transformation. But as long as we choose to close our eyes to this, the wounds will continue to decay while emitting poison into our lives.

To Deepen Our Spirituality, We Must Pass Through the Shadow

Any spiritual work must entail exposure and understanding of our shadow.

Solely focusing on finding our light keeps us away from places of shame, guilt, jealousy, greed, competition, lust and aggression. But it is these very emotions that must be worked through first before coming near our lighter sides.

Even certain spiritual practices like meditation can become difficult when we try to ignore our shadow self. Its repression shows up when we shut our eyes, and we’re left with only our thoughts.

As with all strong emotions, what we don’t want to look at always keeps us contracted and in rejection. Deep down we know these qualities and feelings reside in us, and hiding them leads us to a life of in-authenticity and sometimes incomprehensible self-destructive behavior.

If our shadow is not acknowledged and embraced, the depth of our spiritual and personal growth is limited. Denying to look at the darkness is rejecting ourselves the need to be received in totality by others.

We start to over-identify with the side of ourselves acquired through our own perception of reality. This in turn shapes our personality, the superficial side of us, which the world meets.

Our roles and personality try their best to help us feel worthy and lovable. For some, it is by being intelligent, successful, and powerful while for others it is the opposite. In whichever way our personality tries to control life, it remains just another attempt to be loved for something we know we’re not.

As long as this partial picture of ourselves is kept intact, we create separation.

The message is,

“I don’t want to look and feel certain parts inside me and I prefer to judge others for showing and living what I choose to reject”,

…hence choosing separation, inside and out. It is a painful cage of continuous isolation.

Embracing The Complete ‘You’

The way to our light is through darkness.

Whether we want it or not, the dark side in us is very active even though it is concealed and not evident to the outside. But we know it’s there, continuously asking for recognition.

The shadow should be met in a safe and loving environment. Otherwise, it is too afraid that its face will cause devastation and result in further isolation. When it’s safe we can start looking, seeing, and expressing what has been hidden from our awareness.

There are many unpolished diamonds of strength, creativity, and beauty, which we’ve kept limited so that others close don’t feel small, intimidated or scared. Speaking to our shadow is an immense step towards healing and self-love.

Initially, when we embark on this exciting and necessary journey, we may not be sure who we really are. But this is only because we are so used to our masks that expressing our true self is like meeting a familiar stranger.

Soon new possibilities, choices and, perceptions appear.

Suddenly we can face the many question marks in our life from a place of strength and authenticity. We strengthen our capacity to be in this world more fully and completely.

So, are you ready?

Shadow Work: The Ultimate Guide + Free Psychological Test

An Uncommon Bond

Published January 25, 2021 by tindertender

Perhaps the most important question you can ask a potential love partner relates to their relationship with the shadow—their own, and the shadow that emerges in the relationship itself. That is, “How much work are you willing to do on yourself and the relationship when the sh%t hits the fan? Are you willing to go as deep as we have to go to work it through, or are you only interested in a breezy, low-maintenance relationship?”

Few people ever talk about this during the romantic phase, because they are not envisioning the challenges to come. Yet it is an essential inquiry. I have known many people who were shocked to watch their ‘great love’ walk out the door when the connection required personal accountability and therapeutic work-through. Some of us will brave the journey; others will flee the fire.

Some of us will do the work to transform our stories into the light at their source; others will run away with their ‘tales’ between their legs, only to find out later that their tales go with them everywhere they go.

If we can determine someone’s willingness at the beginning, we can save ourselves a lot of trouble later. (~an excerpt from ‘An Uncommon Bond’)



Published January 4, 2021 by tindertender

“To learn to creatively live with the daemonic or be violently devoured by it. We will decide our own destiny. Let us choose wisely.” ~ Stephen Diamond

As Jung famously said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”

“The serpent that stings us means to hurt us and rejoice as it does so. The lowest animal can imagine the pain of others. But to imagine the joy of others and to rejoice at it is the highest privilege of the highest animals.” ~ Nietzsche

“What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.”
~ Susan Sontag

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” ~ Viktor Frankl

“We are stronger than things are terrible.” ~ Jordan Peterson

“Too much of the animal distorts the civilized man, too much civilization makes sick animals.” ~ Jung

“When emptiness is possible, everything is possible. Were emptiness impossible, nothing would be possible.” ~ Nagarjuna

7 Signs You Have Achieved Balance Between Shadow & Light

1.) You playfully don and discard your “masks”

2.) You have reconciled your demons

3.) You have discovered a balance between grandiosity and humility

4.) You honor your anima/animus: If you are a woman, you are deeply in touch with your inner masculine (animus). If you are a man, you are deeply in touch with your inner feminine (anima).

5.) You practice emotional alchemy

6.) You have learned to transform setbacks (wounds) into steppingstones (wisdom)

7.) You have come to terms with both your wormlike and godlike nature


Charming Abuser

Published December 7, 2020 by tindertender

Anyone who has been involved in an abusive relationship can tell you that it started out beautifully.

All the right things were said.

They portray that they want your highest good, and even assist you in gaining it.

After time, usually about a year, the real soul begins to show.

They may even warn you about it …

Saying some verbiage, or action may appear unloving, judgmental, or even offensive.

And it will be.

This is how it begins …

They “hook” you by telling you all the things you want to hear. Then they’ll turn on you. Tearing down your foundation so they can reconstruct it as they wish.

They will be all the things they warn you about, all the while saying it is coming from a place of love.

The sugar begins to waver between abuses. The sugar is used just enough to make you believe in the love … abuse, love, abuse, love … keeping you off balance.

The sweetness they lured you with becomes tainted.

You’re “hooked” now.

They’ll drag you around, tearing you down, and insist there is a loving reason for it all.

They’ll attempt to reformat your mind, your way of being.

They’ll re-create you … to their liking.

All you must do is cede your Will.

Be subservient.

Take on their instruction as tho they are lord.

Question them?

You’ll get a verbal lashing at the least.

A physical beating, and sometimes worse, also … if they are able.

It’s manipulation in the highest.

A common trait among many.

Be aware.

There are some on these social media sites who have been pumping you up, making you think you have power … and now, as I observe, some are entering the “tear you down” phase. They’ve even warned you about it.

Manipulation in the finest.

Although I’d like to save you the pain of it, the torment of having your mind reformatted, I cannot.

This is an observation and choice you must make on your own.

All I can do is spell it out, so you’ll have something to base your intuition on when it starts to feel quite ugly.

It feels ugly because it is.

Drop these ones like a hot potato.

If they “build” you, they can “claim” you.

Stand in your own authority.

Leave these ones behind.

They all have an agenda.

And it is NOT your highest interest …

It is theirs.

Many of these ‘gurus’ on social media are channelers. They receive a certain message, and they push it onto the public. They are the messengers. Obeying their instruction. Requesting you do the same.

They may receive a seat at the table if they get enough to follow the message.

It’s a hierarchy. They are striving to move on up, by getting followers, by becoming your ‘leader’.

Many of these messages nowadays are coming from non-human entities.

Working to format your internal hardware, rewire it to their liking.

Choose your path.

Exercise your Will.

Stand in your Sovereignty.

Leave them to play the game by themselves.

It’s about collecting souls.

Those who obey, and those who rebel.

The categorization is taking place now.

Protect your Mind, Spirit and Soul.

Don’t give these manipulators control over your mind.

The occult have their puppets in the open, working to snare you …

And making you think you deserve it.

Out of love.

Harmony With Shadow

Published November 17, 2020 by tindertender

It’ll be easier on your spirit if you live in harmony with your shadow, rather than trying to be all light.

You cannot try to eat one part of yourself, and still expect yourself to feel full. We’re dualist beings, co-exist with yourself.

Like the Ashanti proverb: Siamese crocodiles share one stomach, yet they fight over food.

Some people can’t coexist with the parts of themselves they don’t even like, how can we expect them to coexist with another person different than them?

Source: @ehimeora

Queen of “Jiffra Matter”

Published September 29, 2020 by tindertender

She looked fabulous with her long wavy hair, dressed in skin tight pants, she looks lovely in black.

She hangs out in dark places, with people who do the same. I asked if I could join them awhile.

Upon exiting the “bar” to go to the next, we found my car had been smashed into … a complete wreck. Upon closer look, I mentioned it wasn’t even my car, but she took the keys and started what was left of the motor …. hahaha, anyone with skills can do that … it wasn’t my car.

As we walked along, to the next bar, she recorded me a message … to eat a lot of jiffra matter and produce lots of shit.

She had a great accent, perfect hair, a nice body …. no one would ever guess she is the Queen of Shit.

Hanginging out in shitty places where shitty things happen, instructing people on how to behave in shitty manners and even on how to go about producing shitty fecal matter!

I had no idea the Queen of Shit would be so glamorous.

I wonder why she chose to hang out with me.

Could it be she thinks of me as shit?

Well, no thank you beautiful lady.

I’m changing my diet.

You’ll have to collect shit somewhere else.

Tomorrow after work I think I’ll take her someplace a little more my style … where the light shines brightly, the fresh breezes blow, and the only shit around is that which people actually pick up that their favorite four legged companions drop … the canine.

I will smile from ear to ear as I imagine her walking by my side, in shock at the brightness and purity of it.

Perhaps I’ll offer her some of an orange I’ll bring along to snack on.


Update: I had the perfect avocado and roma tomato on plant based pita chips followed by a purple plum and a bit of lemon ginger kombucha for lunch. Yum, and I still feel all light and fluffy!! Hahahaha.

Still might do the orange snack later …

%d bloggers like this: