She remembers in the beginning it seemed so beautiful, and later became something so ugly. As the years went by she experienced this wave … in and out of ugly betrayal … lies, twisted to make it seem she was at fault some how, for a time she believed it.
Today she silently (and sometimes not so silently) observes. She tells herself that she will not become an angry person set on revenge, or vindictiveness. She holds herself to Love. She has learned that even through the abuse, she still loves herself. She treats herself gently, and when she looks at herself in a mirror she practices looking deeply into her own eyes. There is an intensity there, and sometimes she wonders who it is staring back at her.
There are moments of instinctive responses, a lashing out hotly in verbal defense. Yet she notices straight away, and she pulls back her energy, breathing, transforming it into something beneficial … for her health, for peace of mind, and for a healing to be possible for all witnesses.
This alchemy is difficult.
She once said that being young was the hardest thing she ever did. Today, she knows that this shift she works on inside her own mind and heart is the hardest work she has ever set out to do. It is not something that can be left behind, clock out for the night and relax for the evening. It is something that requires attention every waking moment, with all relationships and meetings, even brief encounters with those she does not know.
She is aware that in order to achieve peace in the world, she must develop peace within herself. She watches others in her daily affairs, she interacts and she observes her emotions when they rise and fall, cresting into a huge wave, which she notices and then pulls back.
Achieving balance requires effort. She thinks of being a child on the teeter-totter with a friend, back and forth they would rock. The weight difference between the two could upset the scale and more effort would be required … much like the weight of emotion, it flies high, and then falls low. The goal is to catch it before it flies too high and lower it to a reasonable level.
Exercising the mind is different than lifting weights, no one sees how hard one might be working, in the silence, quietly, while looking into the eyes of another. Quickly, or slowly, thoughts may be moving while the observer is completely unaware.
She opens her mind to the possibility of a bright future, one in which Love will be the normal way of thinking. Some day, when people embrace each other, it will not conjure thoughts of lust, shame, or fear. It will be a genuine acknowledgement of, and appreciation for, each other. It will be a deep soul love, the love of family.
Yes, she remembers. She remembers golden grasses, clear running waters, birds singing and wildlife roaming. She remembers the wind in the leaves of trees, the feel of the sun on her face, and the view of three bends in the river as she swayed in the wind at the top of the tallest tree she ever climbed. She remembers beauty. She remembers peace. She remembers joy and connection with the Sacred Love.