Looking out the dog slobber stained sliding door, I do not see them. I suppose they must be out there digging in the earth, searching for rats. The rain has begun to fall moistening the soil, muddy paws will return soon begging to be let in. Ah, there’s one now. As I open the door the scent of damp earth fills my nostrils, pleasant, reminding me of home, so long ago.
I spoke with an old friend tonight, it has been nearly thirty four years since we have seen each other, a lifetime ago. This journey has had many bumps along the way and I am determined to run with what remains, forward, ever forward. Perhaps even upward, as another friend describes it.
How can I pack a mound of creativity into what remains of this life? I want to paint, to write, to sing, to dance, to garden, to create medicines, to live clean and good with compassionate heart, and with care for all sentient beings. Is this what I said before arrival? Is this the determination I wished? If so, it seems I wandered far from this path but here I find myself once again.
My hope before the end is that I discover what it means to truly love … not some pepped up notion associated with lust, but a deep and all encompassing love which is so much bigger than I could ever imagine. I hope it fills me before I exit this place to bursting before I leave, and I hope I carry it out of here with me to share with those who wait.
The water flows and drops into the pool below. Not as I imagined it would be. The sound is not quite soothing, but it gets the job done, or so I like to think, converting ions into something more useful for a pleasant atmosphere.
I do not bother to light candles this night, bed time will be soon. Dreams a-plenty I’m sure await, changing amid wakeful moments. I’ve left the TV off again for a few days, and it will remain off for many more. I am amazed at the way programs affect my dream life. No, they don’t belong there. My days experience will be the only influence in my nights for a time, healing happens here. Television interrupts the flow that ought to be, it is apparent after only a short while watching.
Gathering my fur kids I’ll leave this room. They run about snorting, sniffing frantically, listening to every sound. They too need to calm down, and so we go.