I finally found the love for an abuser in my past. I remembered while soaking in a mineral bath this morning the sorrow I felt for him when he told me he watched his house burn, and his mother was inside. I remember the damage that it must have done to his young heart and mind, and how he found it impossible to be nice to women he was intimate with. I was of the belief he blamed her for running back into the house, for leaving him, and therefore he took it out on the women he had relations with. I could have been completely wrong, but this is where my love for him lay. To find it today is in a way a sense of closure, for I thought up until then I despised him. So nice to find the love in my heart was still there.
I also found love in my heart for a female who was abusive as she played the role of ‘baby sitter’ in my youth. She never would have done the things she did if she, too, had not been victimized and abused. I was able to forgive her, and find compassion for her inner child.
And me … that beautiful child I once was who loved dancing in the rain, feeding the cows, picking flowers and appreciating them not for their smell, for often they did not smell real good, but for their beauty. She loved the potato bugs that were always between the grass and the driveway cement, butterflies and cherry blossoms and wind and blue skies. She loved haunted houses, one of which was at the end of the street, she was able to stay the night there, sleeping under the kitchen table, for things were always thrown around in the night by the unseen. She loved bumble bees and laughter and helping peel potatoes. Oh beautiful girl, I love you so much. Your faith in love and joy were incredible.
For years now I have been surrounded by those in a Council Circle, female, male, and male child to the left, two males to the right, and crying boy in the center at the outside of the circle, as well as many others who are on the outside edges of the circle. They have a lot of discussion going on, looking for something that will end this cycle they find themselves in.
I saw myself as an antennae, one armed raised, palm up and flat receiving light from the heavens, and one arm down, hand bent and palm flat with the earth, another beam of light blasting into the soil on which I stood, uniting Heaven and Earth with an amazing channel of light.
A little surprised, the knowing that I Am Many came to mind. I visualized the child, the young girl, the young woman, the woman, and the older me of the future. We were standing in a circle around the council circle shown above, and we held hands while we smiled at those in the inner circle, moving in a counter clockwise motion.
It seemed a little strange that we moved in a counter-clockwise manner. Could it be we were unwinding time, and experiences? Undoing wrongs that had been done?
Circumambulation is done in a clockwise movement, many religions do this in worship, or to ward off evil.
Widdershins is what the counter-clockwise movement is called. In Judaism sometimes circles are walked in this manner. “The twentieth-century German-Jewish philosopher Franz Rosenzweig suggested that the secret to returning to Judaism is to connect to Jewish time. The Sabbaths and the Festivals structure life; they transform time that is otherwise constructed on the basis of secular obligations and opportunities into sacred time.”
Perhaps there is much more to be discovered in this consciousness. Knowing that I Am Many, I can visualize different aspects of myself during this life, as we hold hands and move in this circular motion. Maybe one day I will come to understand the actual meaning of this ‘dance’.
Until then, I’ll be working on my visualization techniques. After all, if you can visualize the mountain as moving, then it will.