How I cope with my own abandonment wounds

Published December 17, 2022 by tindertender

By @Theholisticpsyc

Abandonment wounds are wound we carry from:

  • being emotionally neglected by people we love
  • not being seen or acknowledged by society
  • having loved removed from us when we were “bad” as punishment

Abandonment wounds are carried within the subconscious mind in the of core beliefs.

These core beliefs include:

  • everyone I love will leave or hurt me in some way
  • i must be perfect in order to receive love
  • something about me is broken or unworthy
  • i don’t belong
  • no one cares about what I think or feel

The subconscious mind works to confirm these core beliefs.

Always looking for evidence that we don’t belong, that people will leave us, or that we’re not good enough.

Our abandonment wounds can:

  1. Create situations where we constantly procrastinate: this stems from a core belief that if I don’t get out of my comfort zone or don’t actually show up, I can’t fail. Or be seen as flawed/unworthy.

Obsessive achievement or workaholism: this stems from a core belief that if I’m constantly working or achieving I can bypass uncomfortable emotions and finally be “good enough.”

When my abandonment wounds come up, I’m flooded with intense emotions and racing thoughts.

Sometimes they come out of nowhere.

I can go to worse case scenarios (crisis thinking), or dissociation (shut down, numbness)

5 things I do when my abandonment wounds come up:

  1. Pause: being aware of this helps you understand that these are thoughts and feelings from past wounding, not “truths.” Pause before making any decisions or falling into negative coping mechanisms.

2. I remind myself I’m safe: when I’m having fearful thoughts, I know my inner child is afraid. My inner child didn’t have adults to soothe me or to help me work through difficult emotions. I put my hand on my heart, take a deep breathe & say: I AM SAFE, NOW.

3. I move my body: intense thoughts and emotions need an outlet. When we’re stuck in our thinking mind, moving the body helps us work through the emotions. I always feel better afterwards.

4. I shift my breathing: slow, steady breaths from the body send a signal of safety to the nervous system. I either stretch or take a quick walk with intentional deep breathing. It’s incredible how this shifts the state of mind.

5. I cry: grieving is taboo in our culture. We’re conditioned to “get up and keep going” at all costs. When past emotions surface, I let them come up. I always feel more relaxed and centered when I let the tears flow rather than covering them up.

If you found this helpful follow: @Theholisticpsyc

I write threads every day on how to heal yourself.

My new workbook:

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