At 15 I had an experience of prince charming, Beautiful, he treated me like a queen, I thought I loved him and he loved me. However one year later the beatings began. I received one nearly every week for the next two years. I had to flee town in order to prevent my own death, which was coming, he had already tried twice, and the police would not lift a finger to help me.
Two years later I met a boy. He was silly and I really wasn’t interested, but I dated him anyhow. I wound up loving him with my whole soul. Same sweat shirts and jackets, he was so sweet. We were engaged after two years. There was a miscarriage. I came home from work one day to find his ex girlfriend laying on him on the couch, bodies stretched out, touching head and shoulder to toe. He was shirtless, and it was obvious what had happened. She had convinced him I would not be able to have children. I begged him not to do this, my innermost being torn apart with a profound sadness and grief. I had to move.
I moved in with my mother and 4th ‘dad’. I could not sop crying. It seemed I cried for 3 months steady, day and night, I simply could not stop, I was hurting so bad. One day after that 3 months of profound grief I was told I had to leave. I had nowhere to go, no friends, my heart bleeding from the most traumatic sorrow I had ever had. I had to find a place to go, and get a job.
I rented a room from a party house. Self punishment begins. I must deserve it, right? Beaten, failed pregnancy, cheated on, thrown out in my misery by my own mother. I was very good at continuing the self punishment. First I tried to mask the sorrow, act happy and care free, rebelling against those who had hurt me.
Four years later I loved again. Great love. Probably the deepest love I have had here on this earth, I thought he was ‘the one’. Twice I had opportunity for a family, yet he was not interested … and he said things for months and had me convinced I was not ready, or able, or fit to be a mother. I believed him when he said he had my best interest at heart, I believed he loved me. Needless to say, family did not happen. Later, he had an affair. After 7 years of believing he would not do anything to hurt me, that he had my best interest at heart, I find that he only cared about ‘passion’ and when passion slowed and mellowed for us at 7 years, he found it elsewhere. Again, my heart was rendered to pieces, sobbing my soul in tears, I had to leave.
I tried to drown my sorrow. I was so hurt and angry, I self harmed in may ways, degrading myself even further, feeling unloved and unworthy yet again. I had no family to go to, sure a visit was okay, but to stay and heal was not an option. One thing led to another and I wound up living in one of the ex’s cars, he wanted to be sure I could get to work. He loaned it to me for my job. I self punished to such an extreme I fairly lost my mind. (To be clear, I lived in Twilight Zone for a time).
At this point the above man saw me sleeping in the car at the river. He woke me and asked me what I was doing. I stated the obvious, “I’m taking a nap’. Well, something must have clicked for he then allowed me to live in his home, I was broken, I was 35.
Five years later I met a nice man. He didn’t speak much, and he was not into romance, but he was not mean either. I never expected that he would hurt me. I married him. We had nothing in common but for the house we purchased. He fertilized the lawn, I mowed once a week, cooked dinner, did laundry, cleaned house, cleaned the kitchen, took care of the pets, water, food, vet visits. After 8 years I was tired, especially since my job had me driving to and from work 3 hours a day on top of the work shift and then the chores at home. And then he developed an illness which I struggled very hard to get him his disability insurance to pay. Every day I had to file papers, jump through hoops of the system, only to hear him tell me I was wasting my time, it would never work. Two years of this, (drama from the system, and a negative argument about how I would fail from my husband). I was maxed out, bulldogging the system to get what was needed, working so hard to hold together my household. I simply became another person. I told him, fine, I am finished fighting the system, and then coming home to your negativity about this when i struggled so hard to remain positive, that I would be successful … for him. That Saturday he got his letter of approval in the mail, good thing, because I had just quit trying.
Then this nice man who I had married said to me, “The same bitch keeps coming home every night. No one will ever want to live with you.” and he left. All of the energy I had expended to be sure he would get the payments he was entitled to for the remainder of his life, all that extra work to pay bills, buy food, cook, clean, vet visits, driving to and from my job 3 hours. OVER. (At least he had his money now).
I’m okay now, I suppose. I now live in the house the previous ex bought for the woman he had the affair with. She lived here 18 years pretty much rent free. He reminds me what a great thing he is doing for me, letting me live here. He does not know that I am aware … this is her house, still. He says its mine, but it hasn’t been deeded to me, and I do not believe he will make it so I get to live here should something happen to him. His family will make me move.
So rather than get my hopes up, rather than believe in the goodness that is “said” I will expect I will be moving out some day. Words are only that. This man actually said to me the other day how he had the hots for one of the top sales people back in the day, from a company I worked for. It is obviously not in his mind, that those were the days when I poured my heart and soul into my relationship with him. When I allowed the interruption of my family, my children, believing he loved me and was helping me to make right choices.
I am sad. I am 50. I am alone. This man says I will never have to move again, yet, as I said, the house is not mine, and words are only words. And unfortunately I have 30 years of experience with his words and know full well that most them are not to be trusted, fully. I wish it weren’t true.
He may read this and be furious. I may find myself homeless again sooner than I thought. However I woke with this in mind and I question my existence.
What am I here for? Why … every time I’ve loved deeply and committed myself to the care of another … why? Was I tossed aside as though everything I’ve committed to that particular relationship meant nothing? I sit here alone, without children to call my own. And some day, my oldest known friend will not be here, and my mother will be gone.
I ask God, was all of this intentional? Was all of this necessary to bring my heart completely to You? My birth father, and all 3 step dads, leaving prior to my own experiences, has this been in order to make me understand that You, and You alone would never leave me? I often wonder if You too, have gone. Why wouldn’t you? Obviously I’ve proven I’m not the ideal mate or daughter, lousy mother.
I DO however love my fur babies, and I will not eat the animals any longer. It is the least I can do, it seems I have nothing to offer anyone any more. I will also spread the word of the rape of the land and the injustice in the world. I’ve determined that those who tell me their opinions and thoughts are the authority ~ they do not know that I understand fully that … I … AM … MY … OWN … AUTHORITY. Along with the guidance of God that is. And God isn’t showing His face here right now speaking in His authoritative sense. All I hear are men’s opinions.