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I WAS LIVING OUT MY SUPPRESSED SEXUAL ADOLESCENCE IN POLYAMORY

Published November 14, 2019 by tindertender

Written by Maria Palumbo

https://mariapalumbo.com/

https://www.facebook.com/maria.palumbo.loves

When teenagers were enjoying their lust and doing it like bunnies, I was in the midst of some serious s*xual and religious trauma.

My s*x was repressed controlled and bastardized, where it felt safe.

So when I found myself in polyamory as an adult, WOO I felt like a child in a candy store.

All of the thoughts, feelings, desires, that I had politely put on the shelf and tried to cover with food,

being perfect,

an overacheiver,

being spiritual,

smart,

good,

Out it all came. Raging.

I would no longer eat away my s*x. I would no longer tell myself that I could not have it.

I would have it all.

I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I thought conscious sexuality meant I could exchange my body and chemistry and heart with anyone, if it felt good.

What I was afraid of, was really leaning into someone.

I was afraid of truly trusting and letting someone in. Someone that had just as much space emotionally that I had for them. Someone that was not poly-sexual (like I was acting), but truly polyamorous. Someone that didn’t use my body to feel better.

I was afraid of what it might mean to feel deeply in my s*x AND in my heart. Because my trauma told me that was not safe.

It was not safe to be deeply met. Deeply adored. Deeply loved.

My trauma taught me that I would be hurt, over and over, and to only expect disappointment. Especially by the ones I adored.

It is no surprise that when I began my dive into polyamory, old wounds and shame came to the surface. The “not being able to have it all” and having to choose. The thinking that drama was all I was worthy of. The unrequited romance, thinking it was love, and not just old trauma playing itself out again.

I approached polyamory with my husband with the attitude of “I do things and my partner supports me.” Now I take action in polyamory, when my partner feels supported.

I do not shame myself for being insatiable. In fact, it is a part of me that makes me quite powerful and life-changing in my s*x and love. I just realize that having an endless appetite, and trying to quell it by always adding new energy into my system, my family, and my body, was creating a lack of intimacy, where I deep down wanted to build it.

I started polyamory with the intention of building family and community. Attracted to many who might say the right words at the right time, though I knew, deep down, were not capable of the availability I was craving.

So I settled for intrigue, drama, lust, fun, chemistry, endless days in bed, and also some very loving and intimate moments, while my heart was more and more afraid that she would never really get the fullness of what she wanted.

Now I have slowed down a bit. I have stopped seeking sxual fulfillment, before I can trust the other person fully. I stopped trying to impress, heal, and create love through my sx, and instead allow love to grow, before I give of my s*x. Not because of some weird moral code, or rules about attraction and building chemistry, but because I deserve to be fully seen and devoured. And I get to feel what it feels like to know that the person devouring me gets what they have when they have me.

I share this for those of you who like me, have talked yourself down from your truest healthiest desires, afraid of what it feels like to really want something that not many can provide. I share this so you begin to feel into whether or not you feel truly fed on all levels: mentally, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. And I challenge you to consider the preciousness of your being. That cannot be changed by time, no matter who did not love you right, or who left you.

The preciousness of who you are that is unshakable.

Your worth is not defined by the ones who could not be there for you.

It is defined by the choices you decide to make now. The small ways you fall in love with yourself, when you are in love or alone.

You deserve tenderness.
And endless days in bed.
And endless days in the world, enjoying doing life with someone.

No longer stuck in the cycle of trauma, but finding those that want to heal alongside of you.

To your freedom, in s*x and love. Always.

Love: IS / IS NOT …

Published November 8, 2019 by tindertender

Written by Maria Palumbo, https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=300901216

Love is not:

A series of small kind acts

Sharing meals

Sharing orgasms

Sharing time

Edging

Business building

Spiritual

Sexy

Sexless

Gift giving

Involving crystals

Domination

Submission

Self sacrifice

Polite warmth and conversation

Marriage

Praying together

Dating

Friendship

Similar beliefs

Alienating others

Serious

Special

Wealthy

Keeping a strong face

Ritual sharing

Vacationing together

Nice

Staying together

Living together

Feeling good

Lovership

Monogamy

Polyamory

Chemistry

Workability

Teaching

Touch

Lavish romantic gestures.

Love is:

Being able to sit alone in the dark with another human. Know there is nothing you can do to fix a thing and instead just stay.

It is witnessing all of the things that come up when you cannot change your love’s reality. And instead of quelling your pain over their pain with being “helpful,” simply breathing with them instead.

Love is wanting to be as close as you can be to every inch of them, because you cannot help but desire everything they are.

Love is being able to have fun in any situation. Like get-you-kicked-out-for-enjoying-life-way-too-much-fun.

Love wants you sober. Not the life of the party. Love wants to look at you and trust you will be really there looking back.

Love doesn’t care too much about your job. Or your mantra. Or your guru. Or your hair. Love is not impressed by the things we are told to impress people with. Love just wants you naked and free from all those things.

Love is feeling them even when they are not there. It is remembering them regardless if they can remember themselves.

Love is showing up, even if you are not asked to.

Love is having an authentic response without cruelty and also no longer cushioning the truth.

Love is forgetting who you are and remembering it, all at once. The stuff that could hold you back about your past, can’t work here anymore. It is both terrifying to feel the shift in your identity and also liberating.

Love is noticing where you both are lying. And calling eachother out.

It means the illusions of brokenness are shattered. Love expects you powerful. And treats you so.

Love knows you are not perfect. Love wants you especially when you are raw and undone.

Love is a series of seeing the other. The shadow and the light. It is tenderness and truth with these parts, at the right time.

Love is wanting to know where they came from, how they got here, where they are going. Interested in the person behind each trigger or moment of peace.

Love is endlessly curious. Never satiated with the knowledge of what makes someone tic.

Love is being able to laugh hard. Truly finding the absurd humor in most things— for the weight of love is light.

Love takes hundred percent responsibility for causing hurt, without becoming a martyr. In love each issue is resolved with all taking full ownership of hurts or confusion.

Love is feeling completely unprepared by the depth of what is shared. Feeling like a child. Acting like one sometimes. And proceeding forward anyway.

Love will show up when all else have abandoned you. They will not know what to do only that they love you.

Love is risking reputation, importance, and even the relationship itself, to fully adore the human in front of you and the being of your own soul.

Love is freaking out. Or staying calm. And loving just the same.

Love wants what is truly the most powerful mind blowing heart connecting relationship for you. Regardless if it involves them or not.

Love is saying the thing others won’t say. It is speaking up and creating relationship through each word shared.

Love doesn’t die or go away. No matter how much weight they gain or lose, how moody they are, how healthy or unhealthy. Somehow the flame of love keeps burning bright through every storm.

True love is a secret to all except children, the old and dying, and the mystics. The wise never truly know how deep their love can go, and spend their lives finding out.

Truth About Addiction

Published November 1, 2019 by tindertender

Story shared by Rich Walters, https://www.facebook.com/theRealRichWalters/

“I remember before I tried meth, I asked people what it was like. They said “it’s like a burst of energy, a rush that takes your breath, it’s the best feeling ever, I don’t know how to explain it really.’ And they were right, but now if someone were to ever ask me what it’s like, I would tell them..

‘It’s like spending every single penny you ever had, on drugs.

It’s like going days without eating even though you were starving, but you needed dope more.

It’s like having to lie to every family and friend you had ever had.

It’s like waking up hating yourself from the shame and guilt.

It’s like going into withdrawals every 8 hours unless you had more dope to do. (And you usually didn’t)

It’s like never attending any family event because you were too high or too sick.

It’s like everyone eventually stopped inviting you to events. And even talking to you.

It’s like crying yourself to sleep every single night because your children got taken.

It’s like knowing you have one more chance to get better before your child gets adopted and still choosing that bag.

It’s like asking others how your own blood child is doing.

It’s watching everyone around you succeed and yet you’re crumbling.

It’s like everything was on your drug dealers time. If they said five hours. You’ll wait five hours in a car.

It’s like stealing everything worth value for dope. No matter how sentimental it was to you, or someone else.

It’s like losing so much weight you can’t fit into any of your clothes.

It’s like losing everything you’ve ever owned in your entire life.

It’s like nobody believing a word you said, even if it was the truth.

It’s like being a prisoner inside your own head.

It’s like contemplating suicide every single day.

It’s like never being scared to die, because that’s what you wanted.

It’s like trying to shut your brain up for even five minutes. It was worth that little time of peace.

It’s like seeing your family cry for you to stop, only for you to leave and go get high. Because stopping wasn’t an option. It wasn’t possible.

It’s like you’d do absolutely anything for more. And you did.

It’s like everyone hating you no matter where you went, because they knew you were a drug addict.

You’ll miss out on your children and they’ll be grown before you Know it. You’d kill for your child and do any and everything for them yet you won’t be able to get clean for them and we actually turn out to be the ones who hurt them the most.

It’s like overdosing and going to get high right after.

It’s like walking into rehab 100 pounds with the clothes on your back and being scared to death.

It’s like giving your ENTIRE LIFE AWAY.

So if you’re ever curious like I was, please at least know the truth. CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT, and it WILL KILL YOU TOO”

** Below, Added by me … learned through experience

Even when you heal, they will still see you as that being who allowed this evil thing steal your mind, your body, and your soul. And they will insist you carry the shame if it, rather than embrace the new you, the new you that you fought long and hard for. The you, that everyone gave up on, except you. And you will have to face the fact they can no longer be in your world. Not because of addiction, because it is gone now. But because they cannot see you as anything other than the one who suffered, and caused suffering. Addiction is a very lonely, hard road. Because once you turn from those who claim to love you, their love becomes tainted, and will rarely be pure again. They will never see the new you, no matter how much time goes by in which you have poured every ounce of effort into a new and improved you. And so, they must be released, along with the shame and self loathing, because they will always expect you to embrace this shame and self loathing, and they will help you by soul punching you with their judgement, never ending judgement.

It is a true blessing when others who have healed, or helped others heal, share their truest compassion for you. When you were certain this life would be finished, walking solo all the rest of your days.

When we begin to support and foster healing and positive change in our life, being steadfast, true, showing Creator we are serious about living this life right (this will take time) … He will send you others who will share experience, compassion and care, which will facilitate continued growth and healing … at which point your own journey will help facilitate healing in others, as well.

Don’t ever give up on you.

This “new self” keeps evolving. It’s beautiful, and simply needs to be allowed.

Elder’s Meditation 10-18-19

Published October 18, 2019 by tindertender

“Peace… comes within the souls of men when they realize their relationship, their oneness, with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the Universe dwells Wakan-Tanka, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us.”

— Black Elk (Hehaka Sapa) OGLALA SIOUX

If we are to know peace we must look within ourselves. In order to do this, we must learn to be still. We must quiet the mind. We must learn to meditate. Meditation helps us locate and find the center that is within ourselves. The center is where the Great One resides. When we start to look for peace, we need to realize where it is within ourselves. When we experience conflict we need to pause for a moment and ask the Power within ourselves, “How do you want me to handle this? What would you suggest I do in this situation?” By asking the Higher Power for help we find peace.

Creator, help me to find peace.

Beautiful Day, Beautiful Life

Published October 3, 2019 by tindertender

A coworker said to me today, “You’re always so happy.” I smiled and replied, “It is a choice I make, every morning, and a continuous, conscious effort throughout the day.”

In no way am I saying this is easy, however it IS getting easier. In the rare occasions I come up against someone in authority (or anyone for that matter) having a bad moment, I have learned that I must take advantage of these moments, and teach myself to roll with it, and let it go.

Feelings … it is good to be soft, and it is good to be firm … be firm in your softness.

Isn’t it cool that we are everything, simultaneously? When you think of time collapsing, and visualize yourself as a young playful child, and an abused child, and a happy, seeing wonder in everything teen, to a loving adult who may later have trust betrayed, to a single woman (or man), finding their self and loving their self again as an older version of that loving, wonderment of a teen.

Pancake, feeling it all in a mixed up soup of a life … mind blowing, and cause for extreme gratefulness.

Strength comes from trials, and to know love prevails through it all is an awesome reality!

I have been abused, loved, and taken advantage of … and I have given these things to others as well. WE share ALL experiences … in one fashion, to a greater or lesser degree, even while denial may say it isn’t true.

When we finally see our self in each other ~ pain, love, compassion, and desire to be more joyful, or talented or whatever, sharing similar experiences, with varying responses ~ life becomes magical, a true, stunning experience.

I once stapled the end of my finger off. The doctor picked out the bone chips and sewed it back on, right through the nail. As it healed I would stare at it in amazement. It actually grew back together! I now retain most feeling in that fingertip also.

The mind, when it is completely scrambled by a traumatic event or events, and perhaps there is a thought that no thing will ever be learned again, and love will never come again because of the damage … when things start to progress, and skills are learned, a surprise happens, an understanding that the human mind, body, and spirit really can overcome very much, and still return to love and health.

Certainly, some of these understandings can take years to form, and the pain, fear, doubt, and many other emotions will appear to win the tug-of-war. Yet we are resilient … and by practicing patience, knowing Creator often does things in a time line that does not always seem fair, or appropriate (to us), always turns out to be just perfect.

Learning patience is one of the most difficult lessons. Controlling anxiety and frustrations while practicing patience nearly impossible … but it IS possible, and the more it is practiced, the easier it becomes.

Life is a dance, and we are our own partner. When we learn to dance and smile and laugh and experience joy through it all, gaining a clearer understanding through previous trials, then we can share the dance with others more heartedly, and be more grateful for it.

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