Written by Maria Palumbo
When teenagers were enjoying their lust and doing it like bunnies, I was in the midst of some serious s*xual and religious trauma.
My s*x was repressed controlled and bastardized, where it felt safe.
So when I found myself in polyamory as an adult, WOO I felt like a child in a candy store.
All of the thoughts, feelings, desires, that I had politely put on the shelf and tried to cover with food,
Out it all came. Raging.
I would no longer eat away my s*x. I would no longer tell myself that I could not have it.
I would have it all.
I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I thought conscious sexuality meant I could exchange my body and chemistry and heart with anyone, if it felt good.
What I was afraid of, was really leaning into someone.
I was afraid of truly trusting and letting someone in. Someone that had just as much space emotionally that I had for them. Someone that was not poly-sexual (like I was acting), but truly polyamorous. Someone that didn’t use my body to feel better.
I was afraid of what it might mean to feel deeply in my s*x AND in my heart. Because my trauma told me that was not safe.
It was not safe to be deeply met. Deeply adored. Deeply loved.
My trauma taught me that I would be hurt, over and over, and to only expect disappointment. Especially by the ones I adored.
It is no surprise that when I began my dive into polyamory, old wounds and shame came to the surface. The “not being able to have it all” and having to choose. The thinking that drama was all I was worthy of. The unrequited romance, thinking it was love, and not just old trauma playing itself out again.
I approached polyamory with my husband with the attitude of “I do things and my partner supports me.” Now I take action in polyamory, when my partner feels supported.
I do not shame myself for being insatiable. In fact, it is a part of me that makes me quite powerful and life-changing in my s*x and love. I just realize that having an endless appetite, and trying to quell it by always adding new energy into my system, my family, and my body, was creating a lack of intimacy, where I deep down wanted to build it.
I started polyamory with the intention of building family and community. Attracted to many who might say the right words at the right time, though I knew, deep down, were not capable of the availability I was craving.
So I settled for intrigue, drama, lust, fun, chemistry, endless days in bed, and also some very loving and intimate moments, while my heart was more and more afraid that she would never really get the fullness of what she wanted.
Now I have slowed down a bit. I have stopped seeking sxual fulfillment, before I can trust the other person fully. I stopped trying to impress, heal, and create love through my sx, and instead allow love to grow, before I give of my s*x. Not because of some weird moral code, or rules about attraction and building chemistry, but because I deserve to be fully seen and devoured. And I get to feel what it feels like to know that the person devouring me gets what they have when they have me.
I share this for those of you who like me, have talked yourself down from your truest healthiest desires, afraid of what it feels like to really want something that not many can provide. I share this so you begin to feel into whether or not you feel truly fed on all levels: mentally, sexually, emotionally, spiritually. And I challenge you to consider the preciousness of your being. That cannot be changed by time, no matter who did not love you right, or who left you.
The preciousness of who you are that is unshakable.
Your worth is not defined by the ones who could not be there for you.
It is defined by the choices you decide to make now. The small ways you fall in love with yourself, when you are in love or alone.
You deserve tenderness.
And endless days in bed.
And endless days in the world, enjoying doing life with someone.
No longer stuck in the cycle of trauma, but finding those that want to heal alongside of you.
To your freedom, in s*x and love. Always.
Turn it up, or turn it off?
It’s all choice, right?
Do we walk into our fear, or do we hide from it?
Do we assist, knowing there are those who will do their best to stop us, or do we open our hearts and do so anyway?
If they tell you they won’t cause harm should you stuff your power, can they really be trusted?
The enemy can never be trusted.
We’ve got to face the facts …
It comes down to control.
If you knew for absolute certain that every little thing you did today would later be scrutinized, literally moment by moment, by a future you, and future friends, as well as anyone else interested, and you’d all be looking for a number of qualities, especially patience, kindness, and love, during this game of games and test of tests called life, how might you treat the very next person you see after reading this Note?
~ The Universe
Being connected is a huge responsibility.
As a human, our bodies are large antennae, amplifying the energies we ‘allow’ to flow through our mind, our heart. We are instruments of either the light or the dark, doing good things, or otherwise.
When we are in the midst of addictive behaviors, we open ourself, and become vulnerable to those who wish to ‘command’ our thoughts and actions.
Often, when we experience someone berating us, abusing us, doing things that destroy our inner value system, these are not person to person attacks … although they appear to be. It is the result of one party being controlled, and the negative is permitted, many times simply because a person is unwitting of the interference, and actually embrace the evil deeds, claiming the actions and thoughts as their own, thinking the harm they do is due to their power alone, not understanding they are permitting themselves to be used as puppet to perform deeds that they alone will pay and suffer for, when they are discovered.
What appears to be strong is actually weak. What appears to be weak, is actually strong, which is why those evil ones in the invisible world wish to have them squashed, their spirits shattered. They use the easily controlled to perform vile acts to gain its own desired end.
While the ones damaging believe themselves to be strong, and are often protected by the laws meant to stop them, the world believes they are strong. But appearances, what seems to be real, is not.
It’s a power play. Are you allowing your self to be played by them? Do you care? Is the rush of permitting your self to be vile an even exchange for your integrity, morality … for your very soul?
Have you forgotten love? Have you quick fighting for its prevalence?
What seems to be your own decisions may not be … it is crucial to understand whether the actual act, matches your heart.
Don’t be a pawn. Step into your power and know there is something far more powerful that the evil you are being pushed to perform.
Fight dammit! Fight like your soul depends on it, because it does.
You are a weapon, don’t allow yourself to be manipulated for hurtful deeds of any kind. It truly does depend on your inner fortitude… yours, and yours alone … in combination with the others who stand firm.
Goodness will prevail … where do you stand?
Human man has never been to the moon, regardless of the countless testimonies from astronauts and Secret Space Command agents who claim otherwise.
The ones who may have actually visited (which you would never actually hear about) were Sumerian/Human hybrids who merely pose as astronauts.
Luna is a hyper-hostile environment for humans, as it is beyond the actual fading edge of their playing field which has now become their captivity and enslavement plane, meaning it is outside of the life-zone of Urth. So humans are unable to physically go there, no matter how badly they want to.
The Lunar Urth Command Module was physically once part of the planet Sin, also known as Marduk/Maldek (same word, just different linguistic iterations) that was destroyed in an interplanetary war many eons ago.
You are familiar with that conflict as being between god and his son, the Morning Star, known as Lucifer. It was this act that “cast down Lucifer” to Urth, because he no longer had his own planet to sleep on.
Once it was destroyed, there was a large section remaining that had blown into the asteroid belt, and Marduk was reported to have retrieved it and retrofit that body with the necessary equipment to turn it into a biosphere time craft.
This was mentioned in the Sumerian clay texts in tablet 5 of the Enuma Elish along with other accounts throughout the cuneiform tablets. Though no history was offered in this one account about this little conversion, he was clearly credited for “hanging the moon”.
Even if you could exist on the moon, you would be vaporized upon arrival without advanced clearance for you as already part of the Luciferian Resistance (Sumerian).
The beings who live there are in charge of operating the chattel farm for the Angelic humans below. There are 7 different species that inhabit Luna, some who already don’t get along. In fact, some actually feed on each other which is not so great for business.
This is why certain species are totally separated from the others. So even for Lunaries the moon is not a very welcoming installation. It is used as the intermediary outpost for Urth and interstellar trade (human trafficking as well as Urth minerals and products).
Their most valuable commodities are human meat and tin, not gold, believe it or not. It sounds like I just made that up, but I didn’t.
This piece of what was once Marduk’s previous home has now been retrofitted as a command module “headquarters” of sorts for the management of Urth’s tides and seasons.
Which codes our planet’s circadian rhythm to the new type of human body that was created here on this planet by Marduk’s father Enki and brother Thoth/Hermes.
The Atom and Eve type of Avatar we now all share due to this successful bioformation is a blend between not only different species from this plane, but from the plane of Nibiru (and others) as well.
“Decoding The Hive – Spacetime Fabric”, http://decodingthehive.info/
It appears as though darkness is prevailing, over powering everything that is good … that which brings health, and abundant joy for all.
It visits us in our sleep, where we are most vulnerable, and it exercises its power over our psyche. This is the time when it can fully reach the depths of our consciousness. It will gift us with night sweats, cold terrors, disruptions and warping to our thought creations of the day.
The threat of doom, some uncontrolled force that demolishes happiness and safety, is ever present … in minds, hearts, and the actions we see taking place in this world.
Our nervous system may actually be affected by these transmitted thought forms into the depths of our consciousness. The body might quake, uncontrolled shivers of the body, numbness, or tingling may occur. A fear that something horrible is happening with the functioning of the body, the heart, yet after many tests nothing may be found out of order.
Psychic attacks are very real. There are those who do so unintentionally, they may not even be aware this activity is part of their daily energy uses. There are some who purposefully use spell casting, or internal, mental thought form creation and sending. Some may actually be able to astral travel right to your bed, physically able to touch you, and definitely able to distort your energy, affecting your emotional well being.
I’ve always been of the mind to remain open, to allow people, Spirit, to present itself fully, without hinderance. I desire to know them, just as much as I desire to know my own energy fluctuations, and sharing. Being open allows a deeper understanding, and also risks entrapment. It’s a slippery slope. Be aware.
I admit, it is frightening, and anyone who says the power of unseen forces is not frightening is fooling themselves, as they think they actually have some sort of control. The Control they experience, I believe, is simply ‘granted’ to them, as they assist in the manipulations of the aethers …. affecting change that would not otherwise occur. This disruption serves the greater plan, of which they may not even be aware.
As polarity closes, as time comes closer to collapse and restart, reboot if you will, everything is gaining in intensity. The ‘game’ is becoming much more serious, as the end is near, meaning the new beginning is also near.
There are two scenarios to this story. In one, everything and everyone comes under control of the one who already has so much power, manipulations of individual life roles, how this affects familial units, acquaintances, the functionings of cities, states, and even countries. The intertwining is severe. In the other, everything and everyone is set free of this control, where they can finally stop BEing used for adverse affects and circumstances.
This cooperation goes much deeper than fear, for if anyone cares to ‘buck the system’ not only would they suffer tremendously, those they love, things they love could be destroyed or harmed greatly, and so they live walking on egg shells, hoping their ‘work’ is sufficient to keep them from being completely obliterated from existence … or from becoming a permanent fixture in the pain creation department.
Perhaps they do not see a way out, perhaps there is none. Perhaps all we have to comfort us is the power of our imagination, the only thing that can ease the current cycle symptoms. Perhaps even this can be stripped from the mind, so all that remains is the hard truth of manipulated and created pain and fear. No one wants this, everyone will do what is required to prevent it … sometimes, even if it means diverting the flow to an innocent, an unsuspecting distraction.
One thing is certain, ALL beings, on ALL levels, know the time is coming in which we will know without doubt what our reality will be, even if it is subconscious.
The big shots, the ones who have been pulling the strings behind scenes are coming out of the wood work. They are shifting gears and readying for the intensity about to occur, and everyone will know soon enough just who it is that has been steering their lives, who has been in control of the permissions, and the denials. Everyone will know who expects them to bow …. and they will suffer should they not.
What is the solution to such a dire and impending future?
We see that the human trafficking and pedophiles are being called out and hindered. My thoughts on this is that this exposure is being allowed by the string puller, just so when the time comes, all will know what fate awaits them should they not comply … and often, should they, for all people are simply energy sources, used to create more power.
Like cattle, our feelings are of little consequence. It’s a necessity to keep things as they have been, and to create a potential that is completely binding.
If you pray, if you believe in Divinity, big time prayer won’t hurt a bit. For some of us, that may not be sufficient.