Photo by Genava Leigh
Written by Maria Palumbo
If you are finding yourself in painful situations with a romantic partner, over and over, feeling emotionally exhausted, sad, and frustrated, there is a KINK here for feeling/being abused, hurt, For domination, submission. You just need a healthy way to scratch that kink, without having to create chaos in your relationship.
There are HEALTHY ways of getting that itch scratched and not so healthy ways.
You can create hell. Really stir shit up, to get attention. Or, you can create a container with full consent, about how you can “abuse” each-other. Without it ever having to negatively impact your emotional well-being or the well-being of others around you.
Or you know. Break up. And save yourself and everyone else the agony.
If you are leaning more towards owning your shadowy desires and staying in relationship with your partner, know how to practice kink.
Recently I created a membership on Fetlife, hoping to find an intellectual and emotionally mature community of people who understand consent, know how to build trust, and do not use kink as a way to mask trauma (or continue to traumatize themselves).
What I found was mostly objectification, unsafe s*x practices, and an inability to communicate, from mostly numb people. I found people who hold their KINKS dear, and then the people in their lives, including their partners, fall second. Treating people as tools for kinks. This can happen among people with trauma who are not actively working on healing it. As kink CAN be a great tool for survivors of trauma, to heal and embody power that they did not once have, if used properly.
Kink is not just for people who have had trauma, it is for everyone to move through and own all parts of themselves. The pitfalls of practicing kink can be the fact that it is re-traumatizing, numbing, and risky, if it is not done in full ownership of personal power, agency, and self-respect.
I saw my own desire for kink play out in a shadowy way with many of the partners I was attracted to, as my husband and I opened our marriage. People who would forget me, not prioritize me, want to hide that we were together. People that would break our agreements, and then get angry with me when I was hurt. People who I would let talk me into unprotected s*x (because it was an unconscious kink of mine to push boundaries and be dangerous). People who did not want to build relationship, but pretended they did to get s*x (and I knew, deep down, they were pretending). People that were not impressed by me, and could treat me as a thing attached to a v*gina. I noticed I needed a level of cruelty, in order to be turned on. I actually LIKED that I had to call my partners out, to emotionally connect with me. As emotionally PRESENT partners brought on a whole new level of vulnerability and presence, that I was not yet ready for.
Though power play is fun, we can get lost in it and disassociate if we ALWAYS choose emotionally cold s*x over emotionally in tune intimacy. And power play is not actually void of intimacy, it must be built on it. Otherwise, it is just another tool for hiding. We can even associate disassociation with pleasure (because of how we reacted in sexual trauma) and then see s*x with a partner that treats us as a FULL human being, as boring and limiting.
It is important if you are practicing kink, to personally vet your partners for:
– emotional intelligence
– healthy sex practices
– respect for you and your other partners
– the ability to move slow and at a pace that works for you, so you don’t fly out of your body
– people who have and continue to do their own healing around kink, outside of the bedroom
– people who will communicate to you directly about their s*x practices and any risky sex they might have elsewhere
– people who channel their kink to situations that are in full CONSENT
And always do your healing outside of the bedroom. As it illuminates what is really going on, everywhere else.
To your total s*xual freedom.