Personal History

Published August 26, 2020 by tindertender

At the age of 18 something happened to my physical form.

I was rejected, humiliated, shamed, by many, by a so-called professional even. I became angry and rejected others in return. Years went by and the participants in shaming and rejecting me varied, yet it was a constant flow.

Eventually, after absorbing this shaming, this rejection, it seemed that these traits became my own.

I no longer needed others to reject me, to shame me … I carried these in my emotional field and applied to self, no longer needing an outside source to keep the ball rolling.

I carried anger … anger at the one who perpetrated it all. Anger toward self for putting myself in a situation like that. Blaming self and others … for years. This anger got all over everything and everyone.

After nearly 20 years of intense inner reflection and release, it just came up for me today that these things still reside in me, all surrounding the original trauma and all trauma that ensued related to it.

I discovered that my trigger is only a trigger because I still reject that part of myself … feeling dirty, untouchable, unapproachable ….

My life has been stern … often people do not approach me because it is felt, obvious that the energy of rejection was in and of me. People, fearing rejection themselves, stayed away.

I’m told to be careful of what I say. That others will take my weakness and use it against me. They may do that. Yet if I do not face this new and interestingly obvious realization, if I do not attempt to process it, absolve it, I cannot move into my true power. The energy of shame, blame, guilt, anger is so polluted it cannot sustain happiness for long … happy is eventually returned to its original state … the state of mind, the state of emotion, the state of non-acceptance it had been used to for 3.5 decades.

Habitual patterns and mindsets are difficult to see, yet once they are seen, it is ones personal responsibility to dissolve them, to process them, so love and happiness can become to new norm.

It is a choice … I would much rather be in a state of love and happiness. One can take on the whole world when in this state. See the chart below for a visual.

Love and happiness which comes up often, yet has difficulty being sustained.

A purge is necessary and needed … so off to my bath for a soak and relaxation, and an allowing of my higher self to assist me in absolving the decades old habitual pattern and replacing it with a new state of being.

Empty the old and stale, filling up with fresh and new, set with intention for the coming peace filled world I wish to help create, that I wish to belong in, that I wish to share with others.

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