Grateful For The Aggressor

Published August 26, 2020 by tindertender

We have all had them at one point or another.

Many of us have had unsavory childhoods and experiences beyond that.

In relationships with family or ‘friends’ we find that the emotional and/or mental wounds are constantly flicked, snipped and poked.


Reaction vs response.

Sometimes it is easy to simply walk away and shut the door. Sometimes we must endure … rejection, slander, anything that is an attempt to make us feel small or unsure of our worth, our value.

Defense mode kicks in when the triggers are flipped, fine if one can walk away and then settle down. But what happens when you walk away? Do you really solve the issue? Do you throw out this wonderful opportunity to expand, to align?

It is not sustainable to live in a constant state of agitation, allowing someone power over the emotional and mental well-being.

To counter, does one choose to close down emotionally? Creating blockages for the aggressor and those who wish to instill us with grace? Honoring us? Because if we close off to one, we close off to all … we cannot possibly be available 100% for anything when we construct barriers.

I’ve decided the best option is to look at the aggressor and their words, actions, behaviors and choose instead to thank them. To be in a state of gratitude for the trigger being uncovered, for the opportunity to see it clearly, to understand what caused it, and what brought me to be triggered.

No one likes to be rejected. Yet when we place too much importance on others outside ourselves rejecting us, we also reject our self … because we tense up, we fall into a state of agitation … perhaps shame, anger, contempt, anxiety.

Look at this chart which shows the energetic structure in the body when certain emotions are running rampant.

It does not show an image for gratitude, but it’s there somewhere between love and happiness, perhaps even becoming these two combined.

When someone triggers me, I look at the trigger, what is its source? For me just recently, it was rejection. I have an issue with that one for I have been rejected my whole life. It hurts … and so I usually counter rejection with an even more potent rejection. But look at that … anger, depression, shame.

I would rather expand, acknowledge why I am triggered … and choose not to fall in line with it all and actually reject myself.

I begin listing the reasons I am grateful to my aggressor. For the opportunity to see my trigger. For the opportunity to see its source, its root. For the opportunity to come into balance, working through emotional blockages. For the opportunity to understand and realize I am the only one that need accept or approve of me.

This then brings me to the idea of … what do I respect and value about self? What things do not fall into alignment with this self-respect? How can I love the parts so many reject about me? Embracing them, learning the lessons they offer me, personally. In order to stand firm in this world we must be able to stand alone, without the need for outside approval.

In my younger years, I never knew love, only manipulation and a series of different types of abuse. When I got out on my own, I picked up where others left off, becoming my own worst abuser … which brought shame and a deep sense of rejection of self.

For the last near 20 years I’ve been training myself to become someone I can respect, even love. Breaking habitual patterns and replacing them with new, beneficial patterns. Yes, there are certain residuals from my previous life that clutch to me like a bad habit … and they will remain, so I must change my perspective, and love them, so I am better able to love the whole me.

What others think of me is their business … and they make it my opportunity when they decide to be emotionally or otherwise aggressive. For it is when I face these things that true strength and power begin to solidify in myself … in my emotional body, in my mental body.

If someone wishes to possess me, my being, my thoughts, my self, it is easy to be loud, reject, deny … yet again, the vibe falls, shitty ass feelings arise. So instead, I focus on possessing self, wholly … all mine, mine all mine, me, me, me, love, love, love … not anyone’s property or possession … mine alone, and I share it with whom I will.

Acceptance must always begin with self … the triggers will never dissipate unless we develop this.

Acceptance of self is not arrogance … which some confuse it with. Being haughty they’ll tell the whole world to F-off, without ever looking at the triggers, denying they exist. Not even aware that they have so many barriers in place no one can truly enter the ‘private’ zone.

Acceptance of self requires deep, deep hard looks at the sour issues being toted around from year to year.

Until this hard look is made, and the willingness to put pain and shame to rest is made, life will be mastered by anyone who chooses to manipulate the emotions … and it will be easy for them to do.

Looking at this triggered experience I’ve come to understand it exists because I am rejecting this portion of self. The trigger is my denial. It is I who must come to love my dirty spaces unconditionally. Until I do, I will forever be triggered by outside aggressors.

Be grateful for the aggressor, embrace the gifts of opportunity they provide, and know that soon, should you do the work, the aggressor will no longer be needed for lessons, and they can simply be walked away from.

4 comments on “Grateful For The Aggressor

  • Much love to you as well while you process and release. I am so happy to hear you are working it out. It will be of great benefit, this effort we make … for self, and for those we encounter once release and healing takes place. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  • I also want to add that I feel you on all of this. We are susters swimming through the same waves of emotionally charged energy. Shame is the closest vibration to death. You are moving through rejection, with me it’s abandonment. I always feel so validated when I readyour posts. Thank you so much for showing up authentically here. It very comforting 🥰 so much ❤❤❤ to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  • Today was a reactionary day for me. Surrounded by toxicity and negative vibes. This post helps me to feel validated. I’ve felt this mounting pressure upon myself lately. Moving through it the best I can, which is all I can do🙏❤

    Liked by 1 person

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