The sun was shining. Leaning back in my lounge chair I watched the river flow, the sun glistened off the rippling current, the sound lulled my mind. It was quite warm, and amazingly there were no thoughts, I was wide open and at peace.
Connection happened just then with those I had not been aware of. I felt like a girl who had just been bestowed with attention, special somehow. I looked around me yet could not physically see the source.
That was summer of 2002. I spent over a decade trying to convince myself of what others opinions were of it, that something must be wrong with me. I drove myself batty trying to come back into the person I was, but chaos ensued … going back was / is … not possible.
For many years after 2002 there was a struggle going on, one which crushed my life. It seemed as though I was not the same person, there was no peace, only constant tug of war in mind. One thing I’ve discovered through it all is there is within me a will of iron. I survived.
I met a wonderful group where I lived for 10 years after this experience. They helped me open up and to see the possibility and wonder of sacred connection. Chaos began to quiet and I sought to understand, with support from others who had a different point of view than the so called professionals I had been listening to.
I moved again 2 years ago and spent time in solitude, processing some pretty intense emotion. Again, chaos settled. I began searching for others who understand that reality is not what we may have understood it to be, it is so … much … more.
Recently I was introduced to a small group who gathers and the teachings are different and profound. I feel my head ‘pressurizing’, or shall I say, ‘depressurizing’.
Finally, 16 years later, I am so close to releasing all that rubbish and beginning again, with what is true and good and beautiful. I am closer to that day of stillness in mind than I have been since the beginning, I sense it is so near, the space of ‘no thought’. It is not a spacey frame of mind, just complete stillness, in awareness. There is a comfort there I have missed greatly.
Soon I will meet another group of people, who celebrate union with life in a different manner than past exposure. I am being blessed with these two introductions to varying groups of people, it’s as though the time has come … to try again, to merge.
Once again this life is molding into a we consciousness. Many others feel it too, it is seen in the actions of people in all arenas of the world.
What a wonderful thing to have someone state so clearly that the mind will find millions of ways to keep a life in suffering. Sometimes, when we aren’t used to sacred connection, ‘hearing’ is difficult, although it happens just the same. The ability to process information needs fine tuning, and I at least find it easiest to sit with others who have walked the path and are able to speak in a way that is readily understood.
My perception of what a wise man once said is, “You can stand stoically alone, strong, yet you are still alone.” Community helps us to stretch boundaries more swiftly, moving beyond where we are in solitude.
Being vulnerable is difficult, yet it is also the door to freedom, truth, and acceptance. There is no need to hide from each other any more.