I watched myself as I loudly sang a song, eyeliner darkening my eyes. Thin, pretty, and rambunctious, living an uncontrolled existence, rebelling against everything, and everyone. There were many lies told about me and gleefully spread by those who heard them, but did not know the truth. They saw my nature and assumed knowledge.
This was a short road to hell, one which the life lived practiced for. So much time wasted being angry, pretending to be happy.
In walks a man, a spiritual man, young … behind the scenes he assisted me in releasing these emotions, becoming more stable and strong. Old habits fell by the wayside, and forgiveness was given those who I had anger for.
Nearly 2 decades I have fought against this, demanding to make my own decisions … danger of anger reappearing, sneaky that way. I recognize it as it creeps in, I sense old habits behind the curtain inching forward. A revving up of what is desired in life is needed. A conscious choice must be focused upon.
Grounding is in order. There are 7 bags of dirt in my car waiting for me to clean out the garden bed and refresh it for new crops. It is going to be a sunny, warm day, perfect for laying hands in soil, listening to calm music, earthing.
This is an admission of error, my own. For so long I have denied any comfort from another, for deep inside I did not believe it was deserved, but I know better … for we are ALL deserving of compassion and assistance. So once again I embrace this care and offer apologies, and a renewed effort to remain on track.
Love is, and has always been, at the deepest core of my person. It was poisoned against me, and in turn against everyone else. No more … I concentrate fully on eliminating this toxic debris called self despise and move into the future, full speed, for positive change.
I hope you will join me.