“It’s all about you”, he said. She wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or trying to be funny … either way she felt guilty for thinking it could be about her. She felt the shame imposed on her from long ago.
“The world does not revolve around you!” This is was she had learned while growing up. She was told she was not special, she was taught to feel guilty every time she thought maybe she was special. Peers would say, “You’re special alright … special ED.”
Triggers, they get flipped when they are least expected. She knows these are false ideas yet years of training to behave a certain way, and to think certain things … well, these are habits which are hard to break.
Ingrained beliefs were pounded in her mind, followed by adulthood spent finding, clearing, and creating new ways of thinking … new habits.
It seems life’s goal is to embody error and then shed it as well. “Is there enough time?”, she wonders. “Will there be enough effort applied?” She has nearly lost hope that life might be anything other than that.
She realizes it’s a cycle, a revolving door of faulty thoughts and beliefs.