Doubt, Fear & Pain

Published December 17, 2017 by tindertender


Sitting in the next room I listen as they discuss what ought to be done to prevent argument, how it should be in writing exactly what wishes are so those left do not fight. It is sad to listen as distrust is vocalized, as it is presumed that an evil heart exists in my own chest, that greed is somehow seen in my mind and actions. I am amazed, as nearly twenty years ago the last thing I did was empty my savings and commit to helping this one I love, tossed aside without consideration for the effort soon after, left with bills I could not afford on my own.

I tell myself as I listen that these are reflections of the ones who speak, that as I sit quietly, I am not connected to this conversation, these thoughts. They do not belong to me.

Those we love most are the ones who readily reflect fears and assumptions on us. I examine my life and wonder why they think they see this in me. I remember a painful childhood, which caused anger, sadness, and a need to unleash suffering that had been inflicted upon my heart. Those who hurt, hurt others.

I have been an adult for decades now. I decided long ago that the child I once was, was not who I started out as … the real me. As I aged, I forgave, I practiced, and still do, cultivating a loving heart where happiness can reside. Unfortunately, some do not choose to forgive their own suffering, they wish instead to hold onto it tightly and inflict blame and pain, fostering separation.

I see greed, I see fear of being left out, I will step back and give space for others to be who they are. I do not pull any strings, nor do I take any credit whatsoever for the life and choices others choose to live and make. Only my own are mine, and I will not argue over property of any kind.

It is awful when those we love see only negative, living in old, old suffering. My hope is this will be released some day, but only they can let it go. Until then, I am a non-participant, and it is best this way.

I have forgiven others, and I forgive myself. Children have no choice over what is inflicted on them and how they respond, so new to the earth. Without proper guidance, they flounder, trying to protect their heart the only way they know.


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