Years ago something happened to me, it took away the ability to have a personal relationship. I, at times, feel as though I have been robbed, that a thief came into my life and stripped this capacity from me. Sometimes I think it would be nice to share with someone, to be held … but truthfully, that is the extent of it, all of the other drama and energies spent, I now feel are better used elsewhere. So back and forth I go with this thought. Missing being close, and then realizing I am close to so much more now days instead.
I recently replied to a blog someone wrote about sex. They wrote that if you don’t get it, you lose the desire for it, you lose the ability to think clearly, blah blah blah. The response to my reply was pretty amazing … quite a few women stated that it sounded like “you can’t get it”. Well, I can, I simply am so over that shallow chasing of the elusive dream. Momentary (whether the evening, the year, or years) pleasure, and the compromising in order to ensure someone else has no complaint … argh!!! Please …
My ex-husband still lives here, and even he is kind of in my space. If I want to shout to the walls, or cry and howl at the moon, I must face his opinion and questions about whether I should get on medication. See, that little thing right there, is why I do not choose to have relationship. I do not live for someone else’s opinion on who I should be, or what I should be like.
That being said, I do miss the hugs. The church I attended in my last home town was great for that fact (one of the many great things). Every one hugged, it was a welcoming and a departure thing. I loved the connection and the freedom to hug someone without that “icky” uncomfortable, too close feeling.
I also recognize that things never stay the same.
Someday there will be another shift, I am hoping a GREAT BIG one!!! Paranoia over being touched has gone rampant. People feel afraid that if they allow a touch, they’re “asking for it”, then there are those who feel they will “get it” if someone allows a hug, well, they only take privileges that are not granted.
This world is screwed up from the top down. This is how it works, yes … from the top down. We see it in corrupt governments imposing corrupt rules and regulations, we see it in our justice systems where the victim is further victimized and innocent people are punished, we see it in families which allow their children to be abused, and then we see it in ourselves, as bad habits which we may find difficult to break. My hope is that the cycle of all this drama and harm stops with this generation, Right Now.
If we all awaken to the fact that we have been playing rolls created by sick minds, and if we choose to step out and away, breaking free from this sinister game, and do the work to break these “habits”, it WILL change. However, only if we do the work, and look deep within our self to see where the connection has been broken.
Change does not happen in the fight to alter others beliefs. Change happens when the energies to do that fight are withdrawn and utilized for peace … peace in our own minds and lives. This then ripples out like that perfect rain drop when it falls on a body of water, touching other ripples caused by other rain drops. A battle is not needed to win this fight, only a steady stream of love, one drop at a time.