Everywhere I turn … I am wondering why? Why am I even here? Surely there is something more important. Why can’t I just get on with it already? What is it? Just let me at it!!!
I have practiced working very hard my whole life. Everything I take on, I throw my full being in to. Sometimes it is good, and sometimes it hurts, but it always lends experience of perseverance, and continued stretching of the capacity of comfort zones.
How wide must I grow? How far must I stretch?
I try to have many experiences in varying arenas (consciously, or no) specifically for this reason, to expand.
If I had no ties … if I had no pets … I might just do what I have done before ~ simply take the leap of faith. But in truth I fear for my beloveds well-being, and so I hesitate. Some may say I’m too old for that thinking …. HA.
How much can one stand? I am not responsible for past choices others have made, and yet I carry a load from those choices on my shoulders. It is heavy, and I do not want it … it does not belong to me.
I have indeed carried my own load to twilight zone and back, still here, still sane, still … able, capable, and strong.
I look for options. Perhaps one I find will enable me to be comfortable enough with the safety of my fur kids, I’ll jump. It’s like being on a motorbike out of control, veering for the cliff … I stand on the pedals and ready myself for the bail (yes, this really happened) and just before hitting the guard rail the one driving gained control and righted the course.
Instinct is tensing and the time nears, to once again, leave it all behind and start fresh. Ties become chains, and they grow heavy.